9 things NOT to say to a recent divorcee...

Ok, don’t panic. This blog isn’t about drama, nor is it about ranting on previous ex’s or the relationships that were had. The motivation for this post came from comments made by friends and family that I found were a little bit ludicrous. These were comments toward me whenever my love life came up in discussion post separation with my husband. All comments were made from people whose heart may have been in the right place, but completely confused me. Some of the comments included below were made to other people going through their divorce, and I thank those who trusted me to share a piece of their experience.

Divorce is one of those social calamities that attract awkward discussions. It is almost guaranteed that you won’t know what to say as your friend is facing this huge transition in their life. I would compare it to not knowing what to say to someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one, or lost their job. Relax, be calm, and be you. Even if you make one of the following comments, your friend is still going to love you, he or she just may look at you a little dumbstruck. So here it is….

The 9 things NOT to say to your recently divorced friend/family member:

1.      1.  “Well, what marriage would survive with one of you moving to Abu Dhabi?”

In short, we were separated about 10 days prior to ever reading the words “Abu Dhabi” and Googled where in the world it was. It must be a little nerve wracking talking to your recently separated or divorced friend, particularly if you don’t have all the details. Ask simple questions, one at a time, or else you’re going to fall over yourself. And relax, they’re your friend after all and appreciate your time!

2.      2.  “What? You just took your name off the mortgage? You should have held out for more.”

Divorce is not a competition. Just because the law states that the husband and wife should draw the line of property and belongings 50/50, it doesn’t always make sense to claim this right. In my case for example, I was moving overseas…where was I going to put a living room set and a washer & dryer? Ah bless Kristian for offering to keep the items with a referred offer for when I came home to take what I would like if I were to have an apartment on my own when my contract was over. But…2 years later and I’m still not home for good. Would it make sense to pay for storage indefinitely for items that wouldn’t be new for when I return? See my point? And with equity…for our particular case, we had just ported our mortgage and downsized from a large home to a condo. After paying of a large line of credit and a new down payment on the condo, would there be a substantial amount left after I take 50%, less lawyer fees? I didn’t think so. Sometimes cutting the ties and starting brand spanking new is the best thing to motivate you in changing your life for the better. After all, they were just things. And money of course, isn’t everything. Before you judge your friend from walking away from what you think is profit, take a look at their mindset and quality of communication with their ex. There are greater things in life than what money can buy.

3.      3.  “It’s the day of your divorce, you should go out and celebrate!”

Nah, I’ll stay in thanks. By the time the divorce papers are signed, that feeling of a weight being lifted off your shoulders has long since passed. Being there for your friend who has recently signed their life away on a permanent and legal separation from their once best friend is great; but I would maybe reserve “D-day” for them to be alone or at least have them in charge of the day’s activities. If they are the ones who suggest having a good ol’ pub crawl then go for it---you’ll be needed as it’s no fun to do it alone!

4.       4. “I’m sorry to hear that it didn’t work out, thank goodness that you didn’t have any children.”

I would completely agree with this statement. Had Kristian and I had children and still had divorced, things would be difficult. I would have never considered teaching abroad, and we would be tirelessly working out visitation, custody agreements, and child support. I can also imagine that the relationship that I would have with him and his family would be considerably drained. I am a child of a divorce, so I kind of know what I’m talking about. This comment is especially helpful from those coming from being a single parent…they are coming from experience as to what it was like to raise children on their own.

But pause for a moment. What if we had children? What kind of crazy and wonderful adventures could we have had? What if we were one of those couples that the following articles talk about? If a couple happened to be childless, it’s now always their choice.

http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/content/22/2/598.full.pdf+html

5.      5.  One of my dear friends pm’d me after posting that I was looking for suggestions on Facebook. He and his ex-wife fit the bill to the above article. While talking to one of his colleagues at work about his marital experience, one of his colleagues replied, “So, it sounds to me that you and your wife got divorced simply because you couldn’t have children, that doesn’t seem like a reason to get divorced for me.”

‘If it were only that simple’, he explained to me. While talking to the colleague, he admits that he might have been in a rush and jumped over important points, leading to the other person coming to this basic conclusion that came across insensitive. Suddenly placing a baby into a marriage that isn’t strong is marital suicide. There were obviously other things at play then the lack of the pitter patter of little feet. When you’re outside of a marriage looking in, things may seem pretty simple, but the inner workings of the interactions between spouses I think are as complicated to understand as you can get.

6.     6.   “When you two got married, did you have a sense that it may not have worked out?”

Are you kidding me? I don’t believe there is anyone out there with a free mind to get married who is thinking that their marriage is going to end in divorce. Our beginning was a magical and wonderful time, and although it ended in divorce, I will always have fond memories of the beginning, and most of the memories in between for that matter.

7.      7.  “He/[she] must be gay”.

If that’s not the case…

Would you think that hearing that someone you loved actually preferred the other team feels good?Maybe this comment comes from trying to make your friend feel that they had absolutely nothing to do with the breakup? Maybe they didn't know what else to say...

One person in response to the Facebook post had his own father ask him this after he announced to his family that he and his wife had separated. If your friend or family member is facing challenging sexuality issues, let them talk to you. I wouldn’t start the conversation by throwing assumptions in their faces.

But what if it is the case….?

I giggled when I first heard this. And then I thought about 2 friends in particular whom I’ve met while overseas and had this happen to them. Imagine being in a serious relationship or marriage for years only to find out one devastating day that the person you’ve loved and trusted your life to will be leaving you and there is nothing you can do about it! This issue has also been more popular in the mass media. The Netflix show Grace & Frankie is absolutely hilarious in how these two friends come together having to sort out their lives after it was revealed that their husbands have been having an affair for decades…with each other. This show brings to light the possibility with a humorous tone, but I couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to lose your partner in such a way.

Unless your friend or family member reveals that homosexuality is the cause of separation/divorce, I’d leave this suggestion unsaid.

8.     8.   “You guys are perfect, what did you do?”

Because it was obviously my fault. Here is your friend confiding in you something that is devastating, and this is what you have to ask? This one made my stomach churn, and I don’t think it needs further explanation.

9.     9.  “Don't worry you're still young enough to find someone else."

In my experience, there is always someone else….eventually. Whether they are as good of a match for you as a previous partner, remains a mystery. Knowing that there are ‘other fish in the sea’, might not be what your friends need to hear. Their life is undergoing a rapid transformation…they are sorting out how to reconfigure their lives without their life partner. They don’t need to hear that there are other people out there. If told this, they might also doubt that they have what it takes to get out in that dating game or even feel good enough to be someone else’s fish in the sea. They need to know that you’re going to be there for them, no matter what. They are about to face a very lonely time in their life. Suggestions on how to keep busy or scheduling their time to brood would likely be the most helpful.

***

Post divorce, Kristian and I are happy with ourselves and for each other. Sure when we see each other now, it is easy to make stupid pouty faces and wonder where things went wrong as all of the good memories and feelings float to the surface. It’s difficult, but I think we’re doing it right. Nothing has ever been typical about us, and I’m proud of that.

There really isn’t anything that phases me much anymore, including the above comments to myself and other divorcees. But hopefully it was the interesting human interest story that it was when I was thinking it through in my head. Thank you to those who offered their input, thank you to those who made these comments in the first place (you continue to make the lives of those around you interesting, lol), and thank you to the friends and family who are there for all of us as we go through difficult times. And of course I have to thank Kristian. They say you never really know the person you married until you divorce them, and I’m still proud to know you J

The best words of wisdom that I’ve ever received is from my aunt Barb whom I love to pieces. “The best is yet to come…” I believe this for me, I believe it for you.

Other resources to check out:

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Divorce-it-will-be-okay/773399729424404

In his shoes...

The cliché “it’s that time of year again” comes to mind when February rolls around. To me, it has little to do with Valentine’s day. 

February has been declared as “heart” month in Canada to help raise awareness for the Heart and Stroke foundation. I find it a little ironic that a great person whom I’ve loved died of a heart attack in February before Health Canada gave the month a name.

I think I’ve been contemplating since the fall as to how or what I would write to commemorate Keith this year. How many ways can one say, “I miss you, I wish you were here, I still need you”. It’s almost an insult to put feelings into words as they cannot do it justice. I know I am not alone in this. Once you have to grieve for a loved one, the grieving never stops to those who survive.

So how do we get through? How do we accept that despite the years that go by, that we are still hurting? Does it make us weak? Does it prove our strength? Does it strengthen or weaken your belief in the existence of God?

In the years that I have known and lived with Keith, there were many gifts that he had given me, most of which I still carry inside me to this day. Strengthening those gifts, relying on his untimely advice, and imagining him by my side, will never replace the real deal, but it’s as close as I’m going to get. Harnessing the memories of our conversations, discussions, and arguments, I keep him alive in my own way. To others who’ve known him, you know what I mean. It could have been based on a fruitless argument in the game of Scattergories with him insisting that “Jiggy Jiggy Jiggy” was a form of dance, therefore, rewarding him 3 points for a triple “J”, a theological discussion with his theory on the resurrection of Jesus Christ (keep in mind he was a teen in the 1960’s ;)), or a conversation about the finer things in life; exploring a new recipe igniting the senses or discovering a new culture first hand.

For Keith, I knew that living with me couldn’t always have been easy. He had the joyful pain of taking me through my teenage years as I adjusted from my nuclear family to a blended family and all the fun involved. Growing up, I had a one track mind. I would finish school, become a teacher, get married, have kids, retire, the end. It was him that planted the seeds of international travel long ago. At the time, I was having none of it. I hadn’t left the continent of North America yet, and couldn’t see myself doing so outside of where my future honeymoon might take me. He kept persisting that I kept an open mind.

A common scene in our home was him in the kitchen with our mother attempting to wow us with some new recipe that he had scene in the paper earlier that week. I think my tongue is still recovering from a few of his experiments. It would never be his fault, as the “Texas Pete had accidently tipped over from the cupboard above the stove and added a little extra heat”. Whether I liked the dish or not, I was appreciative. My brother and I would roll my eyes at his excitement, it was to us,

after all, just food. “Why are we eating this?” I would ask. “Oh, Cara, you never know if you’ll be in Africa, so eat the @&#* Moroccan soup, will ya? I only spend 2 hours preparing the ingredients”.

As the years go by, more and more physical remnants disappear with wear and tear from our years together. One thing I have here in Abu Dhabi has just about bitten the dust as well, but I haven’t had the heart to get rid of them just yet. About a year and a half after he had passed away, I started aerobics classes in town. I was about to purchase a new pair of athletic shoes, and my mother reminded me that there was an almost new pair of shoes that Keith had purchased around Christmas before he died. They had rarely been warn. I was lucky that he and I have the same size foot! Now, they are the shoes that I travel with if I am going on uneven ground, exploring new things. I am literally walking in his shoes. They have been with me in Jordan, India, and Egypt. 

Those that were with me were a little puzzled when I took off my shoes to take a picture in front of one of the many Sphinx statues outside of the National Museum in Cairo. I hope it now makes sense. Keith, I wish that you were the one in these shoes today, but as you cannot, I am grateful that I can be.

Love always,

Cara

ISIS needs to be renamed

ISIS needs to be renamed; "Islamic" needs to be taken out of the title

It’s been a while since I’ve actually published a blog…since India back in August I believe. I’ve written since, but they haven’t made it to blogger…Inshalla one day :)

But I can’t let this go on for too much longer. Growing up, it took many years to realize that I have strong opinions about anything. I’m an easy going person and can usually see both sides of the story and like to come up with some sort of compromise. I’ve debated this topic, with myself and with trusted friends and loved ones. It is when I think about the world in which I would like my children to be raised in, do I realize that yes, my opinions are strong, and what we say matters and can change things.

Our world has become a scary place, particularly within the last year when many of us heard the words “Boko Haram” for the first time. Canada suffered 2 fallen soldiers on our own soil. Here in Abu Dhabi, a fellow ADEC teacher was murdered for simply having the wrong colour of skin and religion. In Pakistan, a horrific attack on a school saw 150 casualties, 134 of them were children. Sydney suffered a hostage crisis seeing to the death of 2 citizens.

The latest of course being Charlie Hebdo in Paris, France. After these attacks I saw many of my Muslim friends post their frustrations in being judged based on their religion and are exhausted of trying to defend themselves. I pleaded on Facebook as well for friends and family not to associate any Muslim with these terror attacks. They are claiming to be fighting in the name of Islam, but I have to wonder if they are reading the Quar’an with today’s society in mind, or if they are reading the Islamic Holy Scriptures at all. I thank God that I’ve been given the opportunity to live in a Muslim country. The people I interact with on a daily basis are a beautiful living example of what Islam is. They are not perfect, but neither are any of us. “Who may dare to cast the first stone?”

Shortly after the attacks in Paris, Canadians in particular were threatened again. Stephen Harper has named the enemy. There was an article posted on one of the major Canadian newspapers. I apologize that I didn’t save the article nor the link…but the following made my heart shatter. It was a comment from a Canadian in response to the aforementioned news article about Prime Minister Harper’s stance on terror. Are all of the points mentioned true? I have yet to research them all, but it doesn’t change my view. Those who practice Islam, who are our neighbours, colleagues, friends and loved ones are not terrorists and should not be associated with them. ISIS and similar groups need to be renamed.

“And the common denominator is............
The Shoe Bomber was a Muslim
The Beltway Snipers were Muslims
The Fort Hood Shooter was a Muslim
The underwear Bomber was a Muslim
The U-S.S. Cole Bombers were Muslims
The Madrid Train Bombers were Muslims
The Bafi Nightclub Bombers were Muslims
The London Subway Bombers were Muslims
The Moscow Theatre Attackers were Muslims
The Boston Marathon Bombers were Muslims
The Pan-Am flight #93 Bombers were Muslims
The Air France Entebbe Hijackers were Muslims
The Iranian Embassy Takeover, was by Muslims
The Beirut U.S. Embassy bombers were Muslims
The Libyan U.S. Embassy Attack was by Musiims
The Buenos Aires Suicide Bombers were Muslims
The Israeli Olympic Team Attackers were Muslims
The Kenyan U.S, Embassy Bombers were Muslims
The Saudi, Khobar Towers Bombers were Muslims
The Beirut Marine Barracks bombers were Muslims
The Besian Russian School Attackers were Muslims
The first World Trade Center Bombers were Muslims
The Bombay & Mumbai India Attackers were Muslims
The Achille Lauro Cruise Ship Hijackers were Muslims
The September 11th 2001 Airline Hijackers were Muslims
Think of it:
Buddhists living with Hindus = No Problem
Hindus living with Christians = No Problem
Hindus living with Jews = No Problem
Christians living with Shintos = No Problem
Shintos living with Confucians = No Problem
Confusians living with Baha'is = No Problem
Baha'is living with Jews = No Problem
Jews living with Atheists = No Problem
Atheists living with Buddhists = No Problem
Buddhists living with Sikhs = No Problem
Sikhs living with Hindus = No Problem
Hindus living with Baha'is = No Problem
Baha'is living with Christians = No Problem
Christians living with Jews = No Problem
Jews living with Buddhists = No Problem
Buddhists living with Shintos = No Problem
Shintos living with Atheists = No Problem
Atheists living with Confucians = No Problem
Confusians living with Hindus = No Problem
Muslims living with Hindus = Problem
Muslims living with Buddhists = Problem
Muslims living with Christians = Problem
Muslims living with Jews = Problem
Muslims living with Sikhs = Problem
Muslims living with Baha'is = Problem
Muslims living with Shintos = Problem
Muslims living with Atheists = Problem
MUSLIMS LIVING WITH MUSLIMS = BIG PROBLEM
**********SO THIS LEADS TO *****************
They’re not happy in Gaza
They're not happy in Egypt
They're not happy in Libya
They're not happy in Morocco
They're not happy in Iran
They're not happy in Iraq
They're not happy in Yemen
They're not happy in Afghanistan
They're not happy in Pakistan
They're not happy in Syria
They're not happy in Lebanon
They're not happy in Nigeria
They're not happy in Kenya
They're not happy in Sudan
******** So, where are they happy? **********
They're happy in Australia
They're happy in England
They're happy in Belgium
They're happy in France
They're happy in Italy
They're happy in Germany
They're happy in Sweden
They're happy in the USA & Canada
They're happy in Norway & India
They're happy in almost every country that is not Islamic! And who do they blame? Not Islam... Not their leadership... Not themselves... THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!!
And they want to change the countries they're happy in, to be like the countries they came from where they were unhappy and finally they will be get hammered !!!!
Islamic Jihad: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
ISIS: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Al-Qaeda: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Taliban: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Hamas: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Hezbollah: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Boko Haram: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Al-Nusra: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Abu Sayyaf: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Al-Badr: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Muslim Brotherhood: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Lashkar-e-Taiba: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Palestine Liberation Front: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Ansaru: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Jemaah Islamiyah: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
Abdullah Azzam Brigades: AN ISLAMIC TERROR ORGANIZATION
AND A LOT MORE!!!!!!!”

After reading this, I turned to a dear friend back home in confusion and frustration. I knew that I needed to be grounded…after this comment, as I said, my heart was shattered for my friends and for myself in trying the fight against the horrific generalizations. My friend had very wise words for me. Are they all 100% true? Maybe not but the right questions are raised. Research could have been done, but I chose not to edit his words. They are amazing in and of themselves:

“Don't give up on defending Muslims based on this. They need Westerners who know better. The first section is not a fair sampling of bizarre violent acts. Jim Jones, the Unabomber, shooters from Columbine and other schools are all Western and not Muslim at all. One could easily come up with a list of Canadians who as bad, if the techniques are different (Paul Bernardo, the black Donnelies, etc etc). Statistically, crime rates are LOWER in Muslim countries.

Further, understand there is a war going on. It shows in a thousand different ways. We call these things acts of Terrorism, but if we were the less powerful force, we would use similar tactics. When we do use bombs, we get Dresden, Hiroshima and Nagasaki - acts of violence on a civilian population to cause terror.

The things these Muslims have done are horrible. But we could match them with a list as long of our own horrors.

The "no problem" list is just plain wrong. Hindus and Sikhs have had many many bloody battles. Hindus have persecuted Christians and atheists in India. Christians are of course innocent - if you exclude the genocide we attempted through residential schools. And we always get along - except in Ireland.

You have lived in and visited Muslim countries. Are they really unhappy? That's not the impression I get from you. If they are, is it by chance economic? Are they less happier than Christians living in Harlem?

There is a list of a little over a dozen Islamic "Terrorist organizations". How many Muslim countries are there? How many Christian denominations? How many Western nations with standing armies? How many Christian missionary organizations doing spreading the gospel - some with respect, some as a form of spiritual Colonialism.

You would know better, than me, but take a look around you. You are surrounded by Muslims. Are they friendly to the West? Do they love the U.S.? Do they have issues with Western politics or culture? I am sure many of them do. Understanding people who are different is hard. We don't do any better at it. Why should we expect them to love and understand us when most of us have a hard time loving and understanding them?

But what are they like as a people? Do they care about each other? Do they love other people? Do they care about the suffering of others? You can look in the eyes of the people around you. They may express anger differently etc., but are they violent, hateful people?”

Thank goodness for friends like this! I am a product of my environment, and thank God for that. I share in the Western view of terrorists. What many may be missing, is that most Muslims share in that despising view as well.

When I first came home after living abroad, more than one person mentioned to me that they had a fear that I would convert to Islam. It’s sad to have this fear. Most of my friends attend mosque and pray 5 times a day…many Christian friends including myself could only wish they placed God above all else so faithfully. It was a bit of a culture shock to first hear the Imam come over the loud speakers of a local mosque with the call to prayer. I didn’t feel that it was only calling Muslims to pray…it was calling all of us for our own submission to the Supreme Being. This is the Islam I know. ISIS needs to be renamed...take Islam out of it.

Where do I go from here? How do I identify myself? Am I still a Catholic, still a Christian? Have I embraced Islam? Born and raised in the Catholic Church, I will always have the Christian mindset to begin with. I take my Christian values and truly respect the 5 pillars of Islam. If I had to choose a religion now as an adult, I don’t think I could. I choose Humanity, and so do our Muslim loved ones.