Ok, don’t panic. This blog isn’t about drama, nor is it
about ranting on previous ex’s or the relationships that were had. The
motivation for this post came from comments made by friends and family that I
found were a little bit ludicrous. These were comments toward me whenever my
love life came up in discussion post separation with my husband. All comments
were made from people whose heart may have been in the right place, but
completely confused me. Some of the comments included below were made to other people going
through their divorce, and I thank those who trusted me to share a piece of
their experience.
Divorce is one of those social calamities that attract
awkward discussions. It is almost guaranteed that you won’t know what to say as
your friend is facing this huge transition in their life. I would compare it to
not knowing what to say to someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one, or lost their job. Relax, be
calm, and be you. Even if you make one of the following comments, your friend
is still going to love you, he or she just may look at you a little dumbstruck.
So here it is….
The 9 things NOT to say to your recently divorced friend/family member:
1. 1. “Well, what marriage would
survive with one of you moving to Abu Dhabi?”
In short, we were separated about 10 days prior to ever
reading the words “Abu Dhabi” and Googled where in the world it was. It must be
a little nerve wracking talking to your recently separated or divorced friend,
particularly if you don’t have all the details. Ask simple questions, one at a
time, or else you’re going to fall over yourself. And relax, they’re your
friend after all and appreciate your time!
2. 2. “What? You just took your
name off the mortgage? You should have held out for more.”
Divorce is not a competition. Just because the law states
that the husband and wife should draw the line of property and belongings
50/50, it doesn’t always make sense to claim this right. In my case for
example, I was moving overseas…where was I going to put a living room set and a
washer & dryer? Ah bless Kristian for offering to keep the items with a
referred offer for when I came home to take what I would like if I were to have
an apartment on my own when my contract was over. But…2 years later and I’m
still not home for good. Would it make sense to pay for storage indefinitely
for items that wouldn’t be new for when I return? See my point? And with
equity…for our particular case, we had just ported our mortgage and downsized
from a large home to a condo. After paying of a large line of credit and a new
down payment on the condo, would there be a substantial amount left after I
take 50%, less lawyer fees? I didn’t think so. Sometimes cutting the ties and
starting brand spanking new is the best thing to motivate you in changing your
life for the better. After all, they were just things. And money of course,
isn’t everything. Before you judge your friend from walking away from what you
think is profit, take a look at their mindset and quality of communication with
their ex. There are greater things in life than what money can buy.
3. 3. “It’s the day of your
divorce, you should go out and celebrate!”
Nah, I’ll stay in thanks. By the time the divorce papers are
signed, that feeling of a weight being lifted off your shoulders has long since
passed. Being there for your friend who has recently signed their life away on
a permanent and legal separation from their once best friend is great; but I
would maybe reserve “D-day” for them to be alone or at least have them in
charge of the day’s activities. If they are the ones who suggest having a good
ol’ pub crawl then go for it---you’ll be needed as it’s no fun to do it alone!
4. 4. “I’m sorry to hear that it
didn’t work out, thank goodness that you didn’t have any children.”
I would completely agree with this statement. Had Kristian
and I had children and still had divorced, things would be difficult. I would
have never considered teaching abroad, and we would be tirelessly working out
visitation, custody agreements, and child support. I can also imagine that the
relationship that I would have with him and his family would be considerably
drained. I am a child of a divorce, so I kind of know what I’m talking about. This
comment is especially helpful from those coming from being a single parent…they
are coming from experience as to what it was like to raise children on their
own.
But pause for a moment. What if we had children? What kind
of crazy and wonderful adventures could we have had? What if we were one of
those couples that the following articles talk about? If a couple happened to
be childless, it’s now always their choice.
5. 5. One of my dear friends pm’d
me after posting that I was looking for suggestions on Facebook. He and his ex-wife
fit the bill to the above article. While talking to one of his colleagues at
work about his marital experience, one of his colleagues replied, “So, it
sounds to me that you and your wife got divorced simply because you couldn’t
have children, that doesn’t seem like a reason to get divorced for me.”
‘If it were only that simple’, he explained to me. While
talking to the colleague, he admits that he might have been in a rush and
jumped over important points, leading to the other person coming to this basic
conclusion that came across insensitive. Suddenly placing a baby into a
marriage that isn’t strong is marital suicide. There were obviously other
things at play then the lack of the pitter patter of little feet. When you’re
outside of a marriage looking in, things may seem pretty simple, but the inner
workings of the interactions between spouses I think are as complicated to
understand as you can get.
6. 6. “When you two got married,
did you have a sense that it may not have worked out?”
Are you kidding me? I don’t believe there is anyone out
there with a free mind to get married who is thinking that their marriage is
going to end in divorce. Our beginning was a magical and wonderful time, and although
it ended in divorce, I will always have fond memories of the beginning, and
most of the memories in between for that matter.
7. 7. “He/[she] must be gay”.
If that’s not the case…
Would you think that hearing that someone you loved actually preferred
the other team feels good?Maybe this comment comes from trying to make your
friend feel that they had absolutely nothing to do with the breakup? Maybe they didn't know what else to say...
One person in response to the Facebook post had his own
father ask him this after he announced to his family that he and his wife had
separated. If your friend or family member is facing challenging sexuality issues,
let them talk to you. I wouldn’t start the conversation by throwing assumptions
in their faces.
But what if it is the case….?
I giggled when I first heard this. And then I thought about
2 friends in particular whom I’ve met while overseas and had this happen to
them. Imagine being in a serious relationship or marriage for years only to
find out one devastating day that the person you’ve loved and trusted your life
to will be leaving you and there is nothing you can do about it! This issue has
also been more popular in the mass media. The Netflix show Grace & Frankie
is absolutely hilarious in how these two friends come together having to sort
out their lives after it was revealed that their husbands have been having an
affair for decades…with each other. This show brings to light the possibility
with a humorous tone, but I couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to lose
your partner in such a way.
Unless your friend or family member reveals that homosexuality
is the cause of separation/divorce, I’d leave this suggestion unsaid.
8. 8. “You guys are perfect, what
did you do?”
Because it was obviously my fault. Here is your friend
confiding in you something that is devastating, and this is what you have to
ask? This one made my stomach churn, and I don’t think it needs further
explanation.
9. 9. “Don't worry you're still
young enough to find someone else."
In my experience, there is always someone else….eventually.
Whether they are as good of a match for you as a previous partner, remains a
mystery. Knowing that there are ‘other fish in the sea’, might not be what your
friends need to hear. Their life is undergoing a rapid transformation…they are sorting
out how to reconfigure their lives without their life partner. They don’t need
to hear that there are other people out there. If told this, they might also
doubt that they have what it takes to get out in that dating game or even feel
good enough to be someone else’s fish in the sea. They need to know that you’re
going to be there for them, no matter what. They are about to face a very
lonely time in their life. Suggestions on how to keep busy or scheduling their
time to brood would likely be the most helpful.
***
Post divorce, Kristian and I are happy with ourselves and
for each other. Sure when we see each other now, it is easy to make stupid
pouty faces and wonder where things went wrong as all of the good memories and
feelings float to the surface. It’s difficult, but I think we’re doing it
right. Nothing has ever been typical about us, and I’m proud of that.
There really isn’t anything that phases me much anymore,
including the above comments to myself and other divorcees. But hopefully it
was the interesting human interest story that it was when I was thinking it
through in my head. Thank you to those who offered their input, thank you to
those who made these comments in the first place (you continue to make the
lives of those around you interesting, lol), and thank you to the friends and
family who are there for all of us as we go through difficult times. And of
course I have to thank Kristian. They say you never really know the person you
married until you divorce them, and I’m still proud to know you J
The best words of wisdom that I’ve ever received is from my
aunt Barb whom I love to pieces. “The best is yet to come…” I believe this for
me, I believe it for you.
Other resources to check out:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Divorce-it-will-be-okay/773399729424404
Amen. :)
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